Is it all worth it?

My background before cycling was triathlon. Someone at the Australian Institute of Sport was doing research on altitude and needed 13 cyclists to live in an altitude house for 6 weeks. They asked me to go but said if you come, you can’t swim or run.

I came out of the camp a cyclist.

The national coach told me to come back to the AIS selection camp to get a national scholarship so I could race in Europe. He said, if you attend, I’ll guarantee you a scholarship because you’re an exciting prospect.

I went to the selection camp and didn’t get selected.

He selected five other girls.

I was however, continually invited along to their training camps. I was a tagalong to these five full scholarship athletes. I would watch them being handed their national uniform with the AIS logos which was so exciting for them. The coach had this paper bag which had all the clothing for the riders. The bag had the AIS logo on it. Once it was empty, he handed the bag to me and said this is all you’re going to get with an AIS logo on it.

I stood there looking at this guy in total disbelief. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I dealt with it in two ways:

1) I thought, he’s a guy who likes stupid mind-games and that’s his problem, his behaviour has nothing to do with me.

2) I wanted to prove people wrong.

People would sit me down and say, “do you really think you’re going to make a career out of cycling?” People were actually telling me to stop, to go get a real job and find a boyfriend.

I was 25 years old. I was living pay cheque to pay cheque while I finished my uni degree and volunteered at various organisations. I was just starting to ride again after injury put me out of the sport for two years before I even begun. I was nobody.

Now, when people say to me, you’ve got to believe in yourself Roy, I think, do you know what I’ve been through to get here? I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe in myself. Of course, there are times when my confidence is low and I do need to hear encouraging words. Sometimes during those times I google, “How to believe in yourself,” or, I just call my coach in tears, that also helps, haha!

But then I also remember my journey and all the things I’ve been through. I remember all the work I have put in and all the support I have received to get here.

I left Australia on my own to race in a French professional team in 2014. I lived in a very clinical apartment inside an institute where the food was typical French prison food where they slap this unidentifiable mush on your plate. When we went to races, the girls in the team wouldn’t bother trying to speak to me because I couldn’t speak much French despite having lessons. I would sit there and speak to no one and have no idea what’s going on. I would have no info apart from knowing when I’d get picked up for an event.

I learnt pretty quickly that I’d need to pack my own snacks and water for what may be an 8-hour excursion because I’d have no idea when the next meal would be. I got caught out a few times because the French would have lunch at 12pm then wouldn’t have dinner until 8 or 9pm. I was hungry, lonely. I didn’t have a sim card so couldn’t communicate with friends at home easily. It wasn’t easy.

I enjoyed the racing because the team manager was an awesome guy. I was a bit of a lead-out rider on the team but we had 3 sprinters. I remember coming back from one of the races after leading out the sprinters and they finished 4^th, 6^th and 7^th. I threw my bike at the manager and said what’s the point of this? He wasn’t mad. Instead he said, tell me more? I said, why are we leading out three people to fill up the top ten instead of working together for one dedicated sprinter to win. I’m sacrificing myself and my own chances for these girls to just sprint against each other, it makes no sense.

We had a team meeting where the girls explained they had to take time off work to come to the races. I was like, time off work? I’m 16 000 kilometres away from my friends and family after quitting my job, racing for $0, in a place where no one speaks to me and every race I sacrifice my chances for you.

The team culture completely changed after that and it was great. The girls and I have a lot of respect for each other and some of us are still friends even today almost 5 years on.

Just to get to Europe in the first place was a challenge.

I come from a home with a single parent, my mother who supported me, my brother and my sister. She was a school teacher and we never had a lot of money.

I did a women’s workshop at my local bike shop as a fundraiser. I also designed some bumper stickers for cars that said, “share the love, share the road” and sold them for $20. I sold my personal bike for extra cash to get a plane ticket and my international race licence.

My evolution since those early days has been an interesting one.

Back in the day I wanted to prove everyone wrong and I was uncomfortable with anyone who told me I had the goods. That kind of motivation worked then but I realise now that I perform better when I prove people right.

I went to the Tour of Chongming Island a few weeks ago. I was one of the better sprinters there on paper and in good shape. I went to the race with a lot of negative feedback from people who are important to me. So, I went there with this anger, wanting to fight on my own and prove these people wrong. I came out of the tour with no result. My best finish was sixth.

In contrast to that, I raced the Women’s Tour this year. I was sick before the race and didn’t have a good lead up into it. I wasn’t feeling good on the bike. I sent my coach an email saying we’re going to have to accept that I won’t get a result here which is upsetting because it’s a qualifying event for the World Championships.

She wrote back and said, “mate, you’re capable”.

I went there with a positive mindset against a really strong field and got three top ten’s, a podium and was awarded the overall most combative rider from the race.

Has all of this been worth it?

Being an Australian rider abroad is a difficult thing. Every year I’m in Europe I have less friends in Australia. Results in the peloton are harder to come by because the level of women’s cycling is getting stronger and stronger. Ever since I was a little girl it’s been my big goal to become an Olympian and that’s on the horizon now. It’s possible. For me, that’s what was ultimately going to make it worth it.

Back when most people were telling me to quit, I persevered against that and all the other odds stacked against me but I’m here now. I’m earning more than I ever considered. I have dead set made a career out of it, and I love it. This is thanks to all those in my corner as well all the riders who have pushed for better conditions before me. It’s possible that my efforts and my teams efforts are impacting the future of Australian cycling, the female professional peloton and female sport in general, just as my coach and other riders of her time paved the way for us.

When people explain to me that their sons and daughters are riding bikes because they watched me on TV, and when I look back and see how far I’ve come as a person, all I’ve learned, the solid relationships, and amazing memories I’ve made, and when I get a text message from my coach saying she is proud of me, all of that makes it worth it.