I’ve been on a four-year journey of trying to earn an international professional road contract. My parents have been incredibly kind, funding my career and travels in search of this dream.
In 2018, I won the South Africa national U23 road title, then raced in Europe and Asia for the rest of the year. I got some good results but I was told, you have decent results but you don’t have a European passport. “I can sign six riders for the price you’re going to cost me to bring you from South Africa.”
Motivated for this dream, I kept pushing.
I entered the CANYON//SRAM Zwift Academy and got in the top 10. Then I got food poisoning in the semifinals. As a cyclist, when you’ve got food poisoning, you push out as much power as you want, but nothing happens.
I didn’t give up.
I spent most of 2019 racing in the States, trying to get noticed over there.
I got good results but every door I knocked on kept closing.
I entered the Zwift Academy again and this time I made it into the top 3. I went from a 1 in 4000 chance to a 1 in 3 chance.
It felt like my last chance to get a contract because I couldn’t rely on my parents anymore and had to work towards my independence.
This opportunity was all or nothing. I had to win.
By the time I arrived in Spain for the finals, I was mentally and physically burnt out, my season started in January and I kept pushing until December. I’d finished Colorado Classic in the States, flew back to South Africa a day later and started another tour three days later. Then I started the Zwift Academy.
I never had a break and felt I had to push myself for this dream.
The camp in Spain was an amazing feeling. Joining CANYON//SRAM and getting the kit and bikes felt like a dream. The team has such a great atmosphere.
The three of us contestants did a climb as the first test race. My chain fell off on the climb. You’ll see in the video they put out from the camp, I was distraught. There was so much pressure riding on this opportunity.
The team was great in reassuring me. They said don’t stress, you’ll do the next test tomorrow.
The next day came and I felt horrible. Suddenly my hamstrings started giving me issues.
The final outdoor stage before the big Zwift finale was an uphill sprint. When I won, I punched the air. It meant a lot.
Then it was time for the big final. The race on Zwift. We were racing in a room with all the riders, management and sponsors present.
I had another bad day.
The other two girls, Jessica and Samara had finished the race already and I was still riding away on the indoor trainer in front of everyone.
It was so difficult being in that room.
I knew all hope was gone.
After dinner, I was so emotional. I asked myself, why are you breaking down like this? I realised my emotions was the culmination of four years of travelling the world, supported by my parents while trying to earn a pro contract.
The following night they announced the competition results. I was third. Jessica Pratt won.
I was rooming with Jessica and it was important to me to not show her how much it was all affecting me because I didn’t want my problems to bother her. We’d become good friends and I was so happy for her. We’d been helping each other on this journey but I’d wondered what my life was going to look like now.
All those years of hard work towards a contract is gone.
The next day, Samara and I got put in a taxi to head to the airport. It was a very quiet drive.
After the camp, I got home and I told my coach, I can’t ride. I looked at my bike and thought, I don’t ever want to ride this thing again. It was December. In January my coach told me, nationals are in three weeks’ time, maybe it’s time to start training again?
He pretty much dragged me to my bike. I switched to my MTB mostly because I had such a mental block to my road bike.
I was amazed to get 11th at SA Champs with no fitness. I pretty much had done just three weeks of riding after over a month off the bike.
I crossed the line, sort of happy with my result and some guy comes up to me and says “I’ve been watching your whole journey with the Zwift Academy and racing internationally, and I expect a lot more from you. You’re underplaying your potential as an athlete and you’re doing yourself an injustice.”
This is a total stranger who has the confidence to tell this to my face.
During this period, my mentality was that I’m not good enough to win Zwift Academy so I’m not good enough to win anything else. I was in a terrible mental state and this stranger tells me what he’s telling me.
Anxiety struck me. I started questioning my identity. Who am I? For so many years, I was Catherine the cyclist. Cycling was who I was essentially.
I’ve dedicated all these years of my life to becoming a professional on the road and now that’s not going to happen.
During lockdown in South Africa, I had nowhere to go, no more distractions from life’s usually busyness. I had to face more of these questions.
I’m so happy Jessica won but I remember sitting on the couch looking through Instagram the thought of “that could have been me” kept crossing my mind. I got so close. I went from a 1 in 4000 chance to a 1 in 3 chance.
Then I’d planned this ride with a friend on Zwift and I was sitting on the trainer and I just started crying. I thought, I can’t do this anymore.
At this point in my story, I’m very grateful for the people around me who helped me get through this period.
My coach said, not all opportunities are meant to be taken. That resonated with me. I thought this was a make or break opportunity that would define me. “Maybe this wasn’t for you, maybe you had to go through it so it puts you on an unexpected journey,” he said.
I was searching for my why. I was searching for my purpose.
My boyfriend and parents helped me bring perspective. He said if I wasn’t good enough, I wouldn’t be considered. I was considered for a World Tour contract.
Lockdown saved me and my passion for riding a bike. I ended up riding 15 – 20 hours a week on the trainer with total joy. My passion was back.
But more than that, I now know I’m more than just a cyclist. I’m Catherine Colyn, a friend, girlfriend, daughter, student. I don’t know the reason why I went through this today, but I have no doubt it will reveal itself in the future.
Last modified: Jul 28, 2020
